Hello december 2015

Hi december, its a quite closer to new year. And im still like this. Weather always change everyday.

And do i love it when it's raining.. But not the lightning just rain..

December its an end of the year that could describe anything in a past few year in the same month. 

December. Day by day months by months year by year, time changed and everybody's too.

And i always remember the up and down earlier year in december. Just like 2 years ago. I force myself to not keeping down. I know that time would change anything but not the memories. I knew that time does heal and each day im getting better.. But in anytime when im alone, mid night, im thinking that ive going through a lot of thing, and im still here with the same feeling. Insecure. I always try to fix it, it works. But doesn't last longer. Imma sad person and i dissapointed  myself. Imma selfish for letting myself cry for the same reason. Eventho its happen only when i see em together "again". 

But no. I cant be like that. I know im not a person like that. Im a strong enough girl until now, but how useless i can be, if i still letting myself down for him. Im mad at myself not you. Its your chance its yours to be happy with the girl you want to be with. And its still my problem why im still look like a stupid, cause im feeling so mad at both of you. That i shouldnt be mad again. No. Because the time i should mad its already over long ago.  And here i am today, not yesterday that shouldnt be mind for me again. 

The feeling of being so insecure come again. They're going back together and its really not my business, but why?? Why my heart beat faster, my face turning red, and im feeling so hot inside. Im mad. Im cryin. Why?? I hate that feeling. And its just come to me again just like in 2 years ago. But not as hard as the old days. But still hurts. 

Am i not really moving on? Am i too in love with my ex?

I just wanna say no. But the truth is.... I just not meet the right person yet. So its make me think that the right person should be "more" than him in any kind of things. In personality, in physically, in anything. It's a must. Thats why im being arrogant, im being so picky at someone. Because my ex leave me a scars inside and that hurts me cause ive ever loving him. And im soooo in love until i cant breath until I sacrificed myself for him until i did anything for him. Im dying cause ive ever love the wrong person and thats the reason why its too hard to fix only depend on time. I need someone who will exactly erase that scars. Thats the real medicine so far. (Omygod this is the honesty kind of word ever-_-)

Its like a curse for now. I cant really erase him only by time, i need to be in love again. With the right one. Sometimes i think a boy who came into my life would be the answer, but its always be a considering to myself. Its a war between accept and open the gate for him or its a denial and close the gate for him. I cant keep my faith with someone again. Im too scare of being fail by a man. Or hes not     enough  interesting for me. I dont know.

But its hard to find the one. And ive been thinking that i cant be always sit here and wait. I need to move really soon. Maybe every woman wants to be reach and me too. But i know im not pretty, and its need a bit effort to find the one i want to. (I guess). Cause ive never been to satisfied with a few guys who made me hes crush. 

And from now on i believe that sorry doesn't fix anything. But i forgive myself, cause i need to, it's one of the cure of the pain you gave me. I forgive you but just like i told before, it doesn't fix anything. It's over. Me and you. And we can't be a friends, we only can be a good lovers. Just like you taugh me. We always be an ex partner. I've never learned from you the way i should be like a friends of you. Dont you think? Youll treat me like shit when we finnally broke up. So thats why i knew that we can never be a friends.

Cause its always be  that unfinished business between you and i.