Why "always" about him?

Midnight's thought

Welll he-ya! Here i am again with some abstract yet not-that-important thought at night again. With a bit stomachache, tryin to still write whats currently on my mind.

Jadi. ada suatu hal yg cukup membuat gue agak ga percaya akhir2 ini karena for the first time ever since loong so looong time ago i finally got to make and organize a short holiday in malang with my ex and another firends of course. And its maybe the "hikmah" for me because I canceled my plan to watch my boyfie concert so yes, iam finally can save my money for it. 

Apa yg bikin gue kaget adalahhh he planned it. He want us to make this holiday happen, and it makes me wonder. What-happen-to-him. Or maybe he just want to fix anything that happened to him with us lately or he just want to make some increadile moment with us since we got an amazing trip at bali. I dunno really but he makes me wonder what-actually-just-happenned-to-him.

Gue gatausih apakah ini penting untuk gue wondering mengingat the big problem so far in my currently life is how i increase my ipk for this semester and how will i increase my own income and my family financial problem -_- yg sebenernya adalah gue udh pasrah sepasrah2nya :(.

Dan gue juga gatau kenapa kebanyakan topik di blog ini adalah tentang my ex boyfie. Segitukahnya dia pernah berarti di hidup gue? I dunno, karena skrng gue ngerasa dia udh biasa aja sm gue, ntah dia "berusaha" untuk biasa aja atau emg dia "bener bener" udh biasa aja. Karena to be honest. gue msh berusaha keras untuk menunjukkan bahwa gue udh biasa aja sm dia. Karena gue selalu ngerasa "kepo" sm dia, gue selalu ngerasa satu2nya cara untuk ga mengingat dia lg adalah untuk ga berkomunikasi sm sekali sm dia.

Dan gue heran gimana caranya org2 bisa bersikap biasa aja sm mantannya. I try so hard to not feeling awkward apalagi nanti kalo kita ketemu, wahhh. 

Well disisi lain gue jg msh cukup kecewa akan satu hal sama dia "beside that his ex girl problem" that one time he's tried to messing around with me by being "so close" to my friend well eventho he's try to be honest with me with their kind of relationship, i always feel so freakin out like "why her?" Like "if you have some kind of shit happen with ur life why dont you try to fix it with me" notes:even he's still with me. Dan gue adalah tipe org yang mudah untuk ilfeel sm org lain, and i felt that kind of weirdo thingy when i met my friend and until now he's still texting her anyway i dunno currently. and yes. I feeling hurt and it feels as bad as i was when he was trying to betrayed me. 

He even gave her a box of chocolate that he gave me too, he even tried to touch my friend freakin cheeks :( well i'm not tryin to show up that i'm still in pain like the old times, but read this. shits never coming only by that girl, but a thousand problem around. And emm.. by standing there and seeing my boy (dulu ya) closer with my friend rather than me.

It hurts me like hell (dulu ya) and guess what? I knew about this after "his ex girl problem" came. look. I forgive him but i never forget every little things he did to me. Kinda first love, hm? Yes. Bcs you know what? and why i've been crazy about him? was all about because he's my first love and first kiss. For the rest of my life he will. And im soooo crazy about that. I can't even erase that things in my life bcs it happened.

Gue cuma bisa menanamkan ini dalam otak gue skrng "me and him were not longer in a relationship" bahwa "gue sm dia adalah sebuah ketidakmungkinan" bahwa "gue hrs percaya dan yakin akan ada org yg lebih baik untuk gue" bahwa "gue dan dia skrng hanya berteman".

Dan gue baru sadar skrng apa yg bikin gue gabisa move on adalah saat2 ketika gue tau kabar dia gue berhubungan baik lg sm dia, dan intinya membuka diri gue untuk tau kabarnya. Karena selama ini gue ngerasa udh baik2 aja tanpa kabar dr dia sama sekali tp gue gabisa memungkiri diri gue sendiri kalo ketika gue tau hal2 apapun ttg dia gue jd kepikiran lagi sm semuanya...

Gue lelah dengan perasaan gue sendiri:( disaat banyak kesempatan gue untuk memulai suatu hubungan dengan org lain, gue malah nyia2in kesempatan itu. Dan skrng gue malah berfikir untuk suka sm org lain biar fikiran gue ga selalu ttg "dia". Segitukah nya gue:( gue bahkan sebel dan marah sm diri gue sendiri yg msh wondering perasaan dia, pemikiran dia ttg gue atau gue ttg dia yg seharusnya udh ga berarti apa2 lagi buat gue skrng. Gue yakin sihh sebenernya dia udh biasa aja sm gue skrng, gue nya aja yg lebay gak ketolongan-_- gimanapun juga gue hrs bersikap sm kaya dia. Gue gaboleh sampe terjebak sm perasaan gue sendiri kaya gini, gue jg hrs bisa nunjukin kalo dia cuma masa lalu gue, dan ttp bisa berhubungan baik sm dia tanpa baper2an.

Dan lagian gue mana tau mungkin skrng dia ada inceran org laiiin yg jauh2 lbh baik dr gue apalagi dr si cewek itu. Atau mungkin sama seperti gue dia juga lg berusaha keras untuk ga nginget2 "si cewek itu" dan dia lg dlm masa2 sulit skrng. 

Yg jelas skrng yg hrs gue yakinin pd diri gue sendiri, gue akan baik2 aja meskipun gue sm dia, gaakan ada perasaan apapun lagi yg tersisa di hati gue untuk dia. Bahwa gaakan ada lagi cerita antara gue dan dia. Yap. Harus. Kamu pasti bisa car!!!! *gila