See? Life goes onh

Still can't imagine i'm in a middle of campusslife. I'm officially at third semester now and really not too satisfied with the result of my IPK and im pretty sure its all bcs i cant handle my life as always. GOD. I always feel like i can conquer anything even the impossible things. But the fact that im just an ordinary girl and i cant handle everything to be perfect as i expect it to be. First thing i want to write that i knew i just made some mistake in the past when i was thinking to be different in my new life, i follow some organization in campuss and it doesnt going well. I didn't pass my first  concert audition in my choir and i know that im fail with my another student organization  bcs im stupid. You know what? I've been hanging on for too long for these two things called  organization. And somehow i just wonder why am i still follow the things that i know im not good in it:(

Well... I really love singing, and all about the pop music, classic or something but. Im not good in not, partiture, music instrument, forte, how to sing in a choir or anything around it. And that things so driving me crazy :( the fact that i need so much practicing at music makes me crazy :( bcs i know that actually everything  in music doesnt come just in a couple of months. But in a year, 2 years or even more and more long before i was came to this campuss and meet this kind of choir, music grouping or anything, i want to learn more about that but its just too late, while some of my friends at this choir have such an amazing voice that its so much match to singging in the middle of choir grouping people. Im too embrassed im too far from each other and think that im not good enough of this :(

And.... Surely for one of this things...  i dont know exactly why i'am here. For the sake of god from now and long ago IM NOT REALLY THAT INTEREST WITH STUDENT ORGANIAZATIONI i still dont know the real reason why im still here but this is not the real me, i am not good in it, Less than of 6 months i've becoming one of the student organization member and day by day the atmosphere of being a member just going bad and bad and i cant handle this. Im totally fail at anything and make me think that i cant do anything better bcs nothing could bring me happy to do my job, i just learn so much thing but its doesnt make me happier as i expect. Im not good in chit chat ing with someone. Iam not good at speak and i have a lower concentrate while there are some problem in my event. And thinking maybe i was in a wrong place at the wrong time cause i spent my time too much on this and doesnt give me any benefit except my bad result in second semester.

But none of my problem just give me another shit in my life. I always learn from my mistake even tho its happen again, but i try my best to fix my problem, my bad  everything just to be what they want. But i have limit in fixing my bad, i have feeling no one can underatand, i mad at myslef that no one can feel it, i have another problem instead of these problem. i just want theyre respect me for who i am, not judging me as long as i didnt heard but i know they did.

I learn so many lessons with my experience to be a member of choir and student organization. I know how to sing better and i know how to maintenance problem in event, but for god sake me its me i join organization to make myself improve better not to change myself to be different, and if i can choose one of this orgnization.....
I have learn too much.....
Maybe i didnt choose one of them
I just want to be an ordinary student
Have a life
Have so much money
Maybe i should just take a job and leave organization when the time is already come.
Huft.